It was the end of the year 2013 and I was a brand new Marine Corps Corporal deployed to Afghanistan. Christopher and I were not yet married, but planned to tie the knot as soon as I was back on American soil. I had only been overseas for one month- the most stressful month of my life, but not because of the perpetual misery of being away from Chris or the constant reporting of casualties- I was keeping the biggest secret of my life: I was pregnant with our first child. Too many Marines had already dropped out of the deployment, and because my superiors had fought so hard for me to receive this huge opportunity, backing out was not an option. The plan was to be there for at least 3 months while they found a replacement from one of the neighboring units. It was not the best plan, but the only one Chris and I could come up with.
It was in Afghanistan that I miscarried. Statistically, up to 20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. I did not care about this. I cared that the little perfect life Chris and I created was gone. It was then that I was broken. Each day was a struggle, each moment more painful than the last. I could not carry on, so I decided I would not try anymore and I would end everything at the end of my shift.
I couldn’t help but call Chris. I needed to make sure he would know nothing was his fault, since he’s the type to blame himself. It was this call that thwarted my efforts and would initiate the healing process I still pursue to this day.
Chris and I did get married when I returned to Camp Pendleton. That first year of marriage, however, was far from the best. While I knew that there was nothing left to do for the little angel that I carried for such a short amount of time, I could not let go of the pain.
I was only twenty years old at the time I was deployed. No matter how hard we would have tried, Chris and I were not ready for parenthood. And God knew this. On September 13, 2015 I finally understood His purpose. The birth of my son Liam helped me see the plan God had made for me. Despite the ache in my heart each time I think of that baby that could have been, I realized something important. In order to be the best mother I could be, I needed to grow. Not just in my years, but as a person, a wife, a woman. I needed to experience the worst kind of loss, to truly cherish the best gift I could have ever received.
Not a day goes by where I don’t think of our little angel. I think of how broken I was, and how God has put me back together by gifting me our two precious children.
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Homework
Read Psalm 51.
List everything David asks of the Lord. Which of these do you need from the Lord right now? Write out a prayer to Him asking for these specific needs.
It is easy to become disgusted with the actions of Amnon in 2 Samuel 13. Is there a time you have pretended to be something you were not in order to obtain a desire/goal? Or used manipulation to get your way ?
If so, write out how you remember this time in your life and if needed- confess and repent.
I believe I have such a personal struggle with David because he reminds me too much of myself; all my failures and shortcomings- the numerous times I fail the Lord and choose disobedience instead of His way. Yet I am thankful- through David- the Lord reveals His steadfast love and mercy towards us.
Where, like David, have you failed to respond to evil and wickedness in a proper way (specifically reread David’s actions upon learning of the wrong done to Tamar)?
